Just under the mark....

As the title denotes....I almost finished the 50K mileage amount in the Elephant Mountain 50K.  Almost....I was 8 minutes shy of the 2pm cut-off to start the final 7 mile loop.  It is technically a DNF.  But--I did indeed finish.  I marched up to that start line.  I set my watch.  I put one foot in front of the other for a grueling 24 miles.  I poured my heart and soul into the training for this race.  I meticulously organized every detail.  I researched, I read, I did everything I thought I could possibly do to prepare for this race.  Everything possible but prepare for,  "If I don't finish it--what would I do?"  Who prepares themselves to not succeed?  Who plans on not finishing?  Who prepares for seeing the goal so close but, just out of reach?  I didn't.

So what do you do?  You write about it and talk about it.  You learn from it and grow from it.  You can be sad, disappointed, devastated, angry, furious, defeated and many more adjectives to explain just how it feels in that moment.  I have felt all of that.

I also felt grateful. I felt grateful to the event organizers for having a cut off for the safety of the runners.  Grateful for having a cut off for runners to strive for to beat.  Grateful for the lessons to be learned.  Grateful for the understanding of the person who gave me a finisher's cup knowing exactly how I felt in that emotionally wretched moment.  Grateful for all the runners, volunteers, support crews, event coordinators and officials that cheered me on like I completed the whole 50K.  I can't put into words the enormity of gratefulness I felt in that moment of complete despair.

So how did it get to this?  How did I get here?  What did I learn from this and will I do it again?  This is my story, this is my journey, this is my victory.....maybe we can all learn together from it.

It all began when I was offered to pace my friends Cory Reese and Catherine for the Javelin Jundred--100 Mile race.  I went to pace them for a 15 mile loop which I was honored to do so.  From that time, I was hooked into doing an ultra.

I know you have to start them in small to big--50K, 50 miles, 100K, 100 miles and beyond.  I thought that a 50K seemed totally doable--it is only 31.2 miles.  I have completed 8 marathons, twice up a mountain, once with a 40lb pack strapped to my back and in combat boots and I survived.  I am a tough cookie I said.  I can commit to this and be accomplished ultra runner I thought.

Then through talking with my running and best friend, Priscilla about running all the time--she found us a 50K to do.  The Elephant Mountain 50K.  Perfect.  She found a training plan and off we went to run our runs and train, train, train.

Then a wedding of a close friend took her out of it, but she found another in March.  Kevin wanted to join us for the March one.  Awesome.  Then an injury and a life situation happened for Priscilla.  She was out.  An injury for Kevin happened and he was out.  I was left with a decision.  Do I continue on my own?  I decided to do it.  In talking with Kevin it would be better to do the one in February instead of March due to the heat in Phoenix.  I agreed.  It meant though that he wouldn't be able to come because of work.  I said we will figure it out and my journey of training for my first 50K, my first major race--alone began.  What an empowering journey the training was.  I learned to be self sufficient.  I learned to motivate myself when the going got tough.  Learned I loved to listen to books while I ran.  I solved problems out on the trail.  I did it.  I felt so awesome and accomplished.  My first training run alone was 20 miles.

I would write the miles and date in the sand when I was done.

Throwing some peace signs with nature.

A bobcat I saw on the trail

 Then 22

For every run I arranged these rocks into how far I was going that day.

I decided to look for hearts in the cactus I saw on the run.

On the trail they have signs identifying parts on the trail and this one always made me smile.

Then 24

People probably saw these and thought what in the world!!

I saw this big guy keeping an eye out for me!!

I took a pretty good fall on this day.  There was nothing on the ground to indicate why I fell!!

In life we find ourselves between a rock and a hard place, but in that space is where life grows.

From my fall on the training run, I fell on my hand and I bruised up my pinky.  My range of motion is still not right.

 Then 28 that turned into 29.....dang math

The day I would go the farthest I have ever done before.

These shoes were the vain of my existence.  An ant could even crawl in and make a home in the sand.

I loved coming out here every weekend for the views.

This was just so interesting to see life on the other side.

A repair job mid run.  It worked for a little while.

Arizona perfection.

I was so proud of myself in this moment.  I ran 29 miles!!!

 I did it.  I researched, I started taking S-tabs, I ate potatoes, I bought gaiters, I read a book on ultra running.  I painstakingly researched the race.  I mapped it out.  I google-earthed it.  I lost 17 pounds in the journey and gained so much confidence.

One of the things I dealt with in the training was about my shoes.  I ordered a pair of Altras online and they didn't come in time for me to break them in for at least 2 long runs.  I bought a pair of shoes to try to get me through.  They turned out to be sand magnets.  The holes in the mesh were larger than normal and the sand just poured in.  I taped up the outsides--worked for a little while.  I tried taping the inside that failed.  The Monday prior to the race I put silicone on the outside of my shoes with enough area for ventilation and decided that it would either work or fail.  I had no other choice.  I blister too easily to put up with sand in my toes.

Duct tape on the outside--fail

K-tape on inside--fail

Along the journey I learned that doing the beep-beep running was the best.  I would run for 3:30 then walk for 2:00.  I was able to consistently maintain a 15-15:30 pace over 3 long runs.  I was happy I found a pace I could maintain and recover easily from.  For the race the worst pace I could do was a 17:00 so I thought I was safe.  I monitored my pace and did all of this with 4 devices.  Yes, 4.  My watch for the beep-beep.  My iphone for the pace and as a back up an old gps watch a friend gave me years ago and the Nike fuel band for the time.  It all worked.  Kind of cumbersome to keep track of it all, but it worked.

Then Kevin being the amazing future husband he is, gave me my nike+ watch that has a gps, stopwatch to do the beep-beep and kept track of my pace with no problem.  All in one.  I fell in love with it almost as much as I fell in love with him.  It was my Valentine's Day present after all.

The first step in the whole journey was the pack.  We got pretty lucky and I got it on sale.  I love this pack.  Without it, I would feel lost.  I carried everything in the pack.  In the beginning I carried the 100 oz water bladder, then a smaller bladder with electrolyte.  That was before the S-tabs.  It was Heavy.  I carried wet wipes, tissues, gum, candy, drugs, honey stingers, potatoes, orange slices, chex mix, peanut butter pretzels, gummy bears, a re-charger for my phone and a cord, band aids, tape and scissors at one time.  A frogg togg for keeping me cool.  Too much crap right?  Crap gave me security.  Like a blanket.

I spent the majority of the training on a loop of just under 10 miles so I could refuel and refill water as needed.  It had some rocky parts.  It had an incline, a decent, sand, intermittent shade, some rocky terrain.  I thought it would be okay and good preparation.  The farthest I ran was 29 miles and it was the farthest I had ever ran in my life.  The farthest alone too.  I finished that last long race with immense pride of accomplishment and feeling completely ready for the race.

I tapered like you are supposed to.  The week following the 29 miler we did a hike up a peak that required cables to pull yourself along--a 7 mile feat.....

Yes it is steep!!

My love, my training and life partner--Kevin

Keep going up

This is extremely hard--but amazing

Then the next day was a 5K color run with the family to remember Kevin's son Benjamin.  This was the 7th Anniversary of his death.  We did the run to celebrate his wonderful life.

We all wore our shirts with this on the backs of them.  It was a real special day.

 Then 4 mile Valentine's Day run at the University.

The kids did a fun run that day too

Our silly outfits

I did a few small distance runs through the week and a 10 mile run on Saturday to test out another idea with my shoes and just get another decent run in.  I felt great and felt ready.

Tested out my race day outfit

I was taking a pic of the contrail and a bird flew by--looked like it shot poo out!!!

The final ten.  I felt ready and alive.

The Thursday prior I had my Thursday happy hour with my girls, Molly, Stacey and Priscilla.  I love these girls and they are a huge support for me!!  The first two pictures are what they gave me to have on the run.  These cute wrist bands which eventually I had to put in my pack.  The frogg togg headband which I used in the race a lot!!  The third picture is what Priscilla gave me from the runner's part.  Perfect gifts from them.  I am lucky to have them all!!

The Friday prior to the race involved getting the truck ready to get up to the race.  Cleaning it out and packing everything up. From the moment I woke up I was a hot mess.  Emotional and unorganized.  It was ridiculous.  My wedding dress showed up in the mail though so I thought this is going to be great.  An omen or something.  My daughter Cecilia and my sister in-law Kathy were coming with me.  To make sure I could get home okay and to just support and be there with me.  I couldn't be more grateful for that.  We made our trip out the door.  Had to make a stop first to pick up new contacts--not being able to see would prove to be a problem otherwise.

We made the 2 hour drive to the hotel for the race.  Got all checked in and found a place to eat dinner. We didn't really know our way around and we had to make a few u-turns here and there.  While contemplating which way to go I had some weird profusely sweating and nervous almost panic attack.  I really wanted us to find somewhere and eat before 8pm.  I didn't want tummy troubles at all the next day.

In the vehicle I packed our Kurieg coffee maker.  I always have the same coffee before I ran and wanted no changes.  I also packed our toaster so I could make my eggos and peanut butter and honey--another thing I have every run.  I almost burned down the hotel.  Toasters in travel--that toaster stuff moves around apparently.  Especially when you drop it in the hallway.

We tried to get into the room and a few hiccups happened.  Kathy's coffee cup is at the end of the hallway.

I had everything planned out.  What food that Kathy and Cecilia would give me at two points in the race.  I had the elevation chart, the pace planned out with the best pace (15 min per mile) to worst (17 min per mile).  

Pace Chart

AID STATION	15 mpm	Time of day	17 mpm	Time of Day
Start		7:00		7:00
Go John Aid 2.6m	39m	7:39	44m	7:44
Rodger Creek 5.6m	1h 24m	8:24	1h 35m	8:35
Spur Cross 10.7m	2h 40m	9:40	3h	10:00	Family
Rodger Creek 15.8	3h 57m	10:57	4h 28m	11:28
Go John Aid 18.8	4h 42m	11:42	5h 20m	12:20
Start / Finish 23.8m	5h 57m	12:57	6h 45m	13:45	MUST LEAVE  BY 14:00
Go John Aid 26.3	6h 34m	13:34	7h 27m	14:27
Finish 31.2	7h 48m	14:48	8h 50m	15:50

I found a blog that charted the elevation gains and losses for each mile.  I had that with me to reference if needed.

Mile	Up	Down	Mile	Up	Down
1	314		16	0	199
2	149	179	17	0	99
3	0	200	18	0	186
4	74	64	19	25	161
5	227	0	20	205	0
6	98	0	21	205	26
7	218	0	22	0	388
8	79	58	23	0	51
9	0	254	24	(+)
10	74	91	25		(+)
11	56	201	26	(+)
12	254	51	27	(+)
13	42	115	28		(+)
14	229	28	29		(+)
15	168	64	30		(+)
16	0	199	31		(+)

  I laminated a list of motivational quotes to reference if needed.  I had S-tabs.  I had Excedrin, Motrin, band-aids...I thought I had everything I needed and planned for everything so I could to be a success for the race.

Before bed I laid everything out to prepare for the morning.  I had the pack ready.  I had my clothes organized.  I had my watch, phone and ipod charging up.  My alarm set for 4:45 am so we could get to the race at 6 am for the packet pick up.  I drank my sleepy time tea to calm my nerves and off to sleep I went.

Buzz-buzz.  My phone buzzed at 4:17--it was Kevin wishing me luck for the day.  He woke to use the toilet and knew if he waited until he woke up I would be on my way already.  I woke to read it at 4:19.  19 is a bad number for me, but I wasn't going to let that phase me.  I laid there until the alarm went off and then it was game time.  I woke to Be Good to Yourself.  It was going to be an amazing day and I was going to do awesome and be good to myself as the song says.

 I got everyone all rustled up to head to the race.  In the elevator we talked to a girl who was doing the Ragnar relay which was going on at the same time.  I asked her how much more she had to go and she had another 6 mile loop.  How cute.  6 miles.  She told me congratulations for doing a 50K and I felt pretty proud. We got there at 6:04--which that is a pretty amazing and early arrival for us.  One thing stood out.  Not a lot of people there at all.

The people I saw, looked like they were in way better shape than me and they had way less crap.  

I reminded myself, just run your own race.  You got here and you can do this.  Don't pay attention to them and psych yourself out.  I made idle nervous conversation with several people and joked around to pass the time. I met a few first time 50K people.  They saw me later on and said congratulations thinking I finished it all....they gave me a hug when I told them the news.

Then it was time.  Time to get to the line.  I went to the back.  I hugged Cecilia and Kathy and in that moment I realized I was alone.  Why was I doing this alone? All my worries are captured in this pic clearly.

 I let the thought fade and I was focusing on paying attention to the rules of the race, where to go etc.  Then it was time and off we went.  I started my watch and realized I should have synced up the satellites before the start.  It took awhile and I panicked on how would I track my pace and stay on task?  Huge panic.  Then it beeped it was ready.  It was a half mile of misery and worry.

I run with my camera in my hand to get pics of great things along the way.  I was able to get this pic of Cecilia and Kathy which was cool.  Through out this I will have pics from Cecilia and some from my camera.

Cecilia got these from the start right when it happened.  Pretty cool she got these.

In the journey I have found that running listening to books is a great way to escape and just have the voice of company.  The book for the race was, "Lightning" by Dean Koontz.  I will share with parts of the story as I go along.  When I think of the story I can visualize exactly where I was in the race.  An interesting connection I have discovered.  I will put the parts from the book in a different color so you can scroll on past if you don't want to be bored by it. =)

The beginning of the story started on my last run before the race.  It is about a girl named Laura who has a guardian, Stephen who is her guardian.  On the day she is to be born, Stephen goes to the doctor who was supposed to deliver her and stops him from going to the hospital.  The doctor is a drunk.  He was drunk and he was on call and was supposed to go to the hospital.  Stephen breaks into his house and stops him from going.  He doesn't bring harm to the doctor, just ties him up and keeps him from going.  Laura is born without problems to her life, but her mother dies in the process.  Her father is left to raise her on his own.  Stephen visited the hospital to witness Laura was okay and then he disappears.  The night he arrived to make sure she came into this world okay there was a huge lightning storm--while it was snowing.

So the first two miles are uphill.  I thought this would be good to keep me from taking off too fast.  I talked with a runner at the start and through reading a lot about races, they said to walk the hills.  So I did.  I ran and walked.  I was pretty elated when the downhill came and I ran for as long as I could and get into a good groove.  I was taking in the scenery and in awe of how amazing this day was.

I had made a plan to text the family at each aide station as a check in so they knew I was okay and on pace.  I also made a plan to take a picture at each aide station with a pic of Kevin and I from two very happy times, the moment he proposed to me and when I was home from Afghanistan.  I also had in the pics, Speedy.  He is a squishy rubbery toy gecko.  He was Kevin's son, Benjamin's favorite toy and the last toy he had with him before he died.  Speedy has been such a source of inspiration for Kevin over the years and he let me have Speedy for the race to give me motivation. I loved having him with me because it was like he was pushing me to keep moving.  The idea of taking the pics also gave me some motivation to push to the next aide station too.

Laura was 8 years old and in the corner grocery store her father Ben owned.  It was a dreadful rainy day and not too many customers were coming and going.  Her father told her of a story about Mr. Toad.  Me. Toad lived in the attic and was on special business for the queen.  He weaved a web of a story for her that stayed with her for years.  He even bought clothes a toad would wear and would update her on his going ons.  It was cute.  Then a junky came into the store.  He had a gun and was trying to hold up the place and do terrible things to Laura.  It was a terrible situation.  Out of nowhere, Stephen comes bursting into the door and shoots and kills the junky.  He tells them to make it look like it was a robbery and don't tell anyone about him.  He is her guardian and then he leaves.  He has saved her life twice now.

I ran past the first aide station, Go John Aide--which I have called it several things since.  Most commonly is St John's Aide.  I remembered to take the pic kind of late.  The place I took it will prove interesting later....

Speaking of interesting.  My shoes.  Remember I siliconed them?  Well I had a rub spot developing.  It had to be dealt with.  My dear friend Priscilla gave me a gift bag a runner would love for the race. Pictured above.  In it were these blister band

aids.  Amazing little invention.  I put one on my toe that was rubbing and that thing didn't move at all the entire time!! 

 Looking back on that moment, I remember the part of the road I was on and I thought I was lost but, I just followed the footprints and the streamers.  The race organizers have this down to a science by the way.  Any moment I thought I was lost, there would be an orange polka dot streamer to let me know it is okay, come this way.  

I knew I would have to deal with the shoe.  I decided that if I picked away at it with a rock I should be able to fix it.  A rock didn't work.  I needed a knife.  At the next aide station I would ask for a knife.

Along the way I would go through this gate going and coming back.  I had pondered the thought of how great it will be to come through this on the way back.  I also pondered--if I get lost at least I have a pic of this to come back through.

Then I had to cross over this monster.  I am not a fan of epic proportions of cattle gates.  I hate them and have a weird fear of them.  I stood there for a minute figuring out how to cross it and realized, crap I am going to have to come back over this.  I hung on for dear life the decrepit pole to the right....good plan.

One guy passed me and he said I was looking good and I said I am doing my best to look my best for last place.  He ran past me, then he stopped and gave me this bracelet.  This  bracelet was such a source of inspiration.  I am still wearing it.

The next aide station came at mile 5.6, Rodger Creek.  Such a great aide station.  Yes they had a knife.  More like a machette.  It was huge and I was making the lady nervous going at my foot with a knife so I agreed to take my shoe off.  I cut a section of my shoe off and shazam-it was fixed.  To be noted, I was on a 15 min pace and feeling good. (Note:  item 11 of lessons learned happened here)

When Laura was 12, her father died of a heart attack.  She didn't have any other family besides her father.  While she was at the funeral, she saw Stephen drive by.  He didn't stop, only drove by to see she was okay. She wanted to ask him why she let her father die.  She had stayed with some friends of the family for a couple months before she went into the orphanage/foster care system.

It was after this aide station I met the other last place person.  We were in competition for last place. You have to have fun with this.  He wasn't feeling well and he wanted to talk with me but he didn't want to get close to make me sick.  He was doing the race with his dad.  He had called his dad to let him know he was okay and he was walking with the girl in pink and his dad knew who I was.  Glad my outfit was memorable at least.  Over the next several miles we went back and forth.  I appreciated that he asked about the pictures I had on my back.  He was the only one in the race who did.

We were en route to the Spur Cross Aide station on the Spur Cross &*^%$@(()  trail.  It was a swear word of a trail.  The highest ascent and descents were on this trail.   Also some of the prettiest views!!

I thought it was funny it is the Elephant Mountain trail run but we don't go on the Elephant mountain trail.

Just gorgeous!!

 I would see Cecilia and Kathy at the aide station and that made me pretty happy.  What also made me happy was that it was an out and back and I saw countless people come back from the turn around and say, "good job, nice work, looking good, keep going, keep strong, Go Tucson, go pink...."  Every single person said something to me.  I just loved that.  Love it.  I also got passed by the 22K people.  They said nice work and good job too.  

  What made me angry to the point of furious about the trail at this point is the lack of my ability to run down the descents safely which destroyed my pace.  To say it was rocky and unstable is an understatement.  I was so angry.  I tripped and stumbled and tried my best to stay upright.  I still kept going.  I was precariously running downhill when the other last place person snuck up on me--like a stealth fighter.  He scared the crap out of me and I tripped and rolled my ankle.  I stood there making sure I was okay.  Was worried that this is it.  I am done.  But, it was okay and I ran on.  About a mile or so later I saw Kathy and Cecilia.

It should be noted I saw the parking lot from way on top of the the trail and I thought we would turn towards it and we went further away from it.  Some sick joke there.

I gave them hugs and kisses and told them I would see them again at mile 23.8.  I told them I was at a 16:30 pace but I should be able to make it up.  I said I would text them to let them know I was okay and at the next station.  

Off I went....

The story helped me endure....Laura was in an orphanage with girls her age, now she was 13.  There was a disgusting eel of a man who was demented and wanted to do terrible things to the girls.  Especially Laura.  She went into a couple homes but it didn't work out, just bad people trying to make a buck.  She went back to the orphanage and the eel was still on her tail.  A situation happened where she would have to sleep alone in her room and she was sure the eel would get her that night, but he never came.  Stephen however was waiting for the eel in his home and beat him to an inch within his life and made him promise he would never go near Laura.  When he arrived back to work he stayed clear of her and she thought her guardian must have intervened.  She did find a foster home that she loved.  The mother had a bad heart and couldn't have children but she adored Laura and she was very loved and happy there.  Until one day she came home from school with a glass of milk in hand and the eel was waiting for her.  She dropped the milk in fear and the eel came at her.  She was able to defend herself from the attack and she killed him.  Her mother walked in and her heart couldn't take it and she died of a heart attack.  She went back to the orphanage once again.

What happened over the next 5 miles seemed to just be nothing short of misery.  The theory of what goes up, goes down and what goes down you can run strong down.  I couldn't run without stumbling until I finally fell and rolled.  I fell pretty dang hard.  

I cracked the camera and I bruised up my body pretty good. 

 As I write this, it is 4 days later and I am still sore from the fall.  It isn't an excuse, it is the nature of trail running.  The other last place guy left me in the dust.  He was healed.  Nobody was left out there to say good job and keep going. I realized I was so alone and I hated it. My tummy took a turn for the worst.  I took a nature break. It was so hot out.  I had on my frogg togg scarf and headband which helped a lot.

 When I tried to eat I gagged.

All I could eat without gagging was orange slices and cinnamon fire jolly ranchers????

I took some Excedrin awhile ago to boost me and I couldn't take anymore.  I was taking the endurance tabs at the stops which seemed to help.  I drank coke and ginger ale too.  I just couldn't eat anything else.  I realized I wasn't drinking water sufficiently either?  Why? I don't know.  All that was happening was things I thought I had trained for.  I ate on runs, I drank, I ran.  What was different?

In training, being alone is different.  In a race, being alone proved to be detrimental.  I am a fiercely independent person, but I am also human and when I get weak physically and emotional I need a person.  I needed Kevin and I regretted going into this without him.  We have accomplished every major race together and crossed the finish line hand in hand.  We push and motivate each other all the way through everything we do and he wasn't there.  I needed him to materialize in front of me, I needed to channel his energy and just have him with me.  I pulled out the motivational cards.  I couldn't read them or I would fall again.  I took my pack off and I stared at the pictures of all those that love and support me.  I shouted out, "I am alone!"  It was a dark time.  I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I had to "Make it happen.  What's your journey?"  This is my journey and I am going to do this. So I ran--maybe 10 steps.  I walked and I ran.  It wasn't the pace I trained for--it was just making it happen and making the race my own.

Laura eventually went to college with the help of her foster family that had taken her in where the mother died.  She was never adopted and just went on in her own life and journey.  She was very much into writing and did some short stories that got published in some magazines.  One of the stories she wrote was about Mr. Toad and his adventures.  One day while working as a waitress a silver toad awaited her as she picked up her tips.  Then another was delivered to her.  Then another.  It was freaking her out.  She was in her 20's by this time.  She found out where the toads came from and went to the store and was able to track down the address to David.  David was just an admirer of her work and of her beauty.  In time they got married and had a son Chris.  She became a very successful writer and made a name for herself.  Her stories mirrored her life of tragedy and despair and finding a way through it all.  Very reflective to what I was going through in the race.

I got to the Rodger creek Aide station, also known as the knife station.  I took more endurance tabs, more coke and ginger ale and more water.  I took the pics and sent the text, "I am doing okay.  Last part was a doozy. I am off pace.  I am 10 min behind.  But it gets better from here. It will be okay." 

 I kept fighting to eat and tried to remember to drink.  It was slow going.  My excitement for the race had faded hours ago.  I was getting worried about the cut-off.  I pushed really hard to get back to under 17 min pace.  

The ground was a lot easier to run on so I had that on my side.  

What the ground was like mostly.....

What I trained too much on....

What I also had on my side was depleted legs and body.  I didn't train on hard enough trails and it was taking its toll on me big time.  I could run 30 feet and walk, run another 30 feet and walk.  I just tried to keep the focus of forward motion is better than no motion.  I didn't stop for pics or sit down.  I just kept moving.

I was getting frustrated and took another pic of the rocks.  Little did I realize until later the pic I took just after St John's Aide station the first time was in this exact spot!!!

I made it to St John's Aide station and this is where the game took its final change on me.  I filled with water.  A guy spilled water on my foot.  There was no time for a pic.

I asked the guy if I was close to 2pm cut off would them let me run the last loop?  He said they 'Might'.  Might was all I needed.  Might and Hope go hand in hand in my mind.  I left the aide station and went up this steep hill and thought, "maybe I should have taken endurance tabs. Nah, I will be okay it is only 2.6 miles."

Everything is wrong with that sentence.  First, always listen to the voice.  Second, it was 5 miles. What left my brain was that the trail going back the start/finish area goes around on Go John trail, not the same way as when you leave the start/finish area.  So, I was going along believing in 'might' thinking I would be okay and it was only 2.5 miles.  A recipe for mental disaster.  I kept checking my watch confused as to why I wasn't there yet.  I kept wondering why the trail is different and was I lost.  I kept feeling wetness on my legs and realized my camel back was leaking--I didn't tighten it correctly.  But, I Might make it.  I held tightly onto Speedy and Might like I was on the edge of a cliff.

Who was Stephen?  He was a time traveler.  He was from Nazi Germany, 1944.  The scientists had come up with a time travel machine called the lightning gate to go into the future.  They would wear a belt with a button on it that would take them right back to 1944.  What was happening was Hitler's men who were scientists were going forward in time to get knowledge on nuclear bombs and other mass terrorism type activities and bringing them back to Hitler so he could take over the world and essentially change the course of history.  Stephen's plan was to destroy the gate and protect Laura.

A runner came up to me.  You had to make a loop on Go John trail--the 2.6 miles to the Go John Aide station then the 5 miles to the finish.  So this guy came up to me and asked if I was doing okay.  I was already in tearsville.  Might was now Doubt and I put Speedy away so he would be safe.  The compassion and camaraderie of ultra runners just is amazing.  I told him that I was worried about the 2 pm cut-off.  I had trained so hard and prepared so much for this and I am not going to be able to finish.  I told him I am trying so hard and I am just spent.  I am trying so hard.  I asked just how much further is there?  I am so confused.  He said about 2 miles.  Wtf?  I just couldn't get that in my head.  He said he knew how I felt and we have to learn our lessons from DNFs.  It is so hard to fathom how hard you train and then on race day it falls apart.  He said you will still finish, maybe not by the cut-off but you will finish and you should be proud of that.  His kindness was so welcoming.  Off he went.  I looked at his muscley calves with jealousy and tried to run again.  I made it another 30 feet.  I had shouted in that time out there, "Kevin.  I need you.  Kevin, help me through this."  He didn't answer.  I couldn't call him on the phone he was at work.  I just had to keep moving. 

Something to point out.  Those 5 miles were worse than Spur Creek.  I took zero pictures.  I tripped and stumbled more.  Another guy came up and we both just swore and bitched and moaned about the rocks and the trail together for a couple hundred yards and off he went.  I watched him go with his determination and I was jealous because when he got there he would be done.  I Might be doing this damn part again. Then I thought for a second, maybe I will be done and that is okay--then I would cry again.  All the sacrificed time, money, and energy for nothing, nothing.  It was at this time I decided to have a seat and get my act together.  I sat on a rock in the shade and said I just have to get it going and try to make 2pm.  I pushed and pushed and ran hard when I could and gave every ounce I could.  I saw some cars up ahead and thought it was the finish area.  Then it didn't look like it and I got pissed because for the love of God how much farther??

Stephen showed up again in Laura's life to save her.  He was saving her, David and her son from a car with drunk people who would hit them head on.  He could see events in the future that would harm her and he could prevent them to save her.  What he couldn't see was one of Hitler's men who was trying to stop Stephen from destroying the gate and protecting Laura.  Stephen was able to save them from the accident but not her husband from the gun battle that broke out between Hitler's man and Stephen.  He was able to kill Hitler's man and he told Laura to take the belt and hide it and never push the yellow button.  He said he would be back in a couple hours to explain everything.

Then I saw Kathy with some other people cheering on runners with a sign that said, "26.2 isn't that cute".  Kathy decided to run with me.  Kathy does not run.  But, she was going to run with me.  I said how much further?  She said just up here and around the corner.  I Might make it.  I Might make the cut-off.  I Might be able to do another terrible 7 miles!! So I started running faster and she said you just go.  She said I feel like a marathon runner.  I crossed over the line still hoping for I Might be able to go the next loop.  I had a plan that I would run up the trail and give Kathy the pack and tell her what to get me and after I was refueled I would be okay because I could finish it. 

I was wiping away tears.  I knew the race was gone.

Which way do I go?

Does this look familiar?  Who knew I would come through later believing in Might doing the same motion and not finishing.

Just keep going this way....

He showed up a year later.  In that year, Laura and her 10 year old became very efficient in self defense and weaponry.  She knew there was a threat, she didn't know who or what but she knew there was danger.  When Stephen showed up, he failed in his mission to destroy the gate and with him came some of Hitler's men.  He was shot and he was in bad shape.  She brought him into her home to save him and they escaped together with her son.  The unfortunate part of time travel is their enemy knew their next step.  So they had to learn how to outsmart them.  They knew when the lightning would come they would go where they last were so they would go opposite of that.  She was learning about who Stephen was but not why.

So where was I......oh yeah.....this moment in time

It was 2:08.  I missed it by 8 minutes. Kristin the girl at the finish who hands out the cups came up to me and said you know what I am going to say to you don't you.  The tears were flowing.  Yes.  I knew.  She was so kind to me and understanding how hard it is to DNF.  She did a 100K the weekend prior and DNF.  She said you did finish and you earned this cup.  You are a finisher.  It was so sweet and so hard to accept.  Kathy even told her, if I go with her, can she still do the last lap?  They said no of course.  They said that the course sweeper has already gone out and removed the flags.  I couldn't have even attempted to figure it out from memory and it wasn't worth endangering Kathy if we attempted it.  Believe me, it crossed my mind.  I had thought I could still finish it for my own reasons and it wouldn't be official, but, I could still do it.  However, sense had to kick in and accept defeat.

A guy came up to me who saw me at the Go John Aide station and he said it was impressive the come back I made from that point.  I appreciated that and he high fived me.  I pushed myself so hard believing in Might.

I sat down at the finish line area just devastated.  Trying to figure it out.  I needed to do something with my body but didn't want to.  I needed to refuel but for what?  I was simply rock bottom.  I sent out the text message to Priscilla that I didn't finish and I missed the cut-off.  She has been an amazing support the whole way through.  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful friend who is also a runner who understands what running is.  She called me immediately.  She is such a wonderful support.  I cried most of the phone call.  Kathy made me drink and eat something.  I didn't want to ruin this for Cecilia and Kathy.  I wanted to show Cecilia that even in the face of defeat you have to find victory.  She believes in me so much and I want to be a role model to her to never give up and keep fighting and believing.

  I wiped the tears away and went to tell Kristin who gave me the cup how much I appreciated her kindness and asked if we could get a photo.

I talked with the people who were left there and I was reminded how awesome this sport is.  I talked with the Aide station worker who talked about the food they chose.  Like the ginger to calm the stomach.  I felt part of a family still.  That is why I love running and the community.

I took my final picture from the race.

These gave me strength.  Albeit I didn't make the goal, I made the finish line in one piece.  By the way can you say wow puffy hands and is that blood on my watch?

We eventually left.  It felt awkward leaving.  I felt undone.  I wanted to continue.  We got back to the hotel and we couldn't even get into the room.  I was so exhausted and just wanted to peel these clothes off and shower.

I took some inventory of my battle wounds.  I bruised on my arms from the k-tape I put there from some chaffing I had.  Apparently when you peel it off quickly or slowly it will bruise you?  I didn't blister.  Not one at all.  That is a win.  The silicone on my shoes worked perfectly--but only good for one race or long run.  They are pretty rough looking now.

This is where I cut the section of my shoe off.

My foot bruised on the outside from when I rolled it.  My ankle was stiff for a few days.  I have a few toenails that have some interesting things going on.  I have pretty good bruising on my leg from the fall.

  I have fist sized bruises on my thigh from rocks I rolled on from the fall.  I got the cactus out of my hands too.  I didn't chaff.  I used k-tape instead of moleskin in areas I always chaff.  Under my bra strap in the back, my lower back where the pack rubs, on my neck when the pack gets light and rides up.  It worked perfectly and didn't move.

Here are some photos from Cecilia and Kathy.  They went garage sale shopping while I was on the trail and got some good photos out there.  Especially of the Elephant Mountain.

In the days that followed I was in a slump.  I was so sore.  Sorer than I have ever been from any race or run.  I know I gave it everything I had.  Everything.  It has been 5 days (been working on this for a few days) and I am still a little sore, but at least now when I walk up stairs my legs don't feel like jell-o. The soreness was a reminder I didn't finish the 31 miles--which made me angry and sad.  I still have to clean out my pack--I got rid of the food of course, but the rest still sits on the table from when I got home.  My Altras still haven't showed up as if to mock me. I listened to people and their whatever stuff and I cared but was not really caring like I normally do.  I just felt like someone else.  I am not a failure.  I am not a quitter. I didn't quit the race.  I was simply told I couldn't continue.  I could have finished. What helped me though was my friends and family.

I posted this on Facebook.  I had a lot of people cheering me on and wishing me luck.  I wanted to be honest and upfront.

"Today's 50k race was incredibly harder then I could have ever imagined. I did not finish. It hurts deeply to write that. I missed the cut off for the last loop by 8 minutes. I pushed myself harder than I have for any race. I trained harder and planned meticulously but it didn't happen. I have learned a lot from this experience. Some are hard lessons. I have a lot of positive from this experience too. They did give me a finishers cup and I got cheered as I crossed the finish line. I got the cup because I just finished the toughest run I have ever encountered and they get that. I am going to write up a blog about it. Right now my emotions are still raw. I couldn't have gotten through this without the unending love and support from my friends and family. Kathy, Kevin's sister is an angel. She was willing to go on the last dreadful loop with me to help me finish. Cecilia got some great pictures and helped at the aide stations. I have to hobble away from this with pride for stepping to the line in the first place. No matter what the next one will be with Kevin. He is my rock and I was just lost without him. Simply lost. Look for the story this week. Off to get a beer and BBQ. Here is the glass."

The responses to the post are what lifted me up and pushed me through to getting through this.  It meant the world to me.  I got the same support from the Trail and Ultra Running Group on Facebook too.  DNF happens to a lot of runners.  I never expected it would be me.  Neither did they.  I am inspired and motivated to do the next one.  I will do this one again too.

With everything, lessons are to be learned.  Here are mine:

1.  Listen to the voice that says, "should I".  I should have taken the endurance tabs at Go John Aide.

2.  Race like you train.  I used a walk/run in training and didn't do it in the race.  Train to walk the hills and learn to run down them confidently...

3.  Make yourself have time cut-offs in training.  I never gave myself a time limit.  I just went out and did my thing without a thought to time cut-off.

4.  Learn to run with less crap.  I looked at everyone and was in awe of how little they had.

5.  Get a faster pace so there is more room for crap that happens out there unforeseen.  I thought 17 min would be slower then slow because I thought 15 was okay.  I need to train harder and faster.

6.  Don't do a major race alone again.  I know for some this is the only way and I respect that.  For Kevin and I--this has been a thing that defines us.  Meeting great challenges head on and pushing and motivating each other hand in hand for the race.  We have done 8 marathons and 3 Century bike rides together this way and we have always succeeded.

7.  Listening to an audio book did save my sanity out there in the dark times.  When I run again, which will be soon I will continue listening the audio books.

8.  Train to eat less often.  I typically have the negative nancy's come in after an hour of running, but aide stations are further apart than that.  I am going to look into the Tailwind stuff so I drink and eat and that solves my issues.

9.  Never lose sight of why you run and let that motivate you to keep going.

10.  Always keep learning and practicing and learning and practicing and never give up.  I had thought while I was out there that if I don't finish this I won't do another.  I am not cut out for this and I am not a good runner for this.  That was a lot of negativity talking.  Since then, I am looking at races left and right.  It is coming up to the hot Arizona summer, but as soon as it is cool again--Kevin and I will do another and be successful.  We do have a half marathon in March that we have talked 8 of our friends into doing with us.

11.  Because 10 is not enough--do not on any occasion say during a race, "I have never DNFd a race".  I said that and I didn't finish.  Never say that to jinx yourself...

and 12.  If you use a cue sheet, put how many miles it is between aide stations so you don't have to do the math.  Clearly the math eluded me.

So that was my story.  My journey.  I just missed the mark. I did a 40K.  It was short of what the race was called, a 50K, but it was farther then most of the people who were out there that day.  I am proud of what I did.  I know I could have done it had I trained on different terrain and was better prepared for running on the rocks.  I already have a training course mapped out that will be a very difficult 10 mile loop.

Writing this and figuring it all has helped a lot.

I am proud of the training I did to get to the race.  I put in a lot of time and energy into making it the best race I could.  I just need train harder and on a different terrain.  I will be stronger and smarter for the next one.  I am not quitting here.  I am a runner and a damn proud one.

One of my friends posted about a purpose for my running.  My purpose has always been to motivate other people to be the best person they could be doing anything--not just running.  Running has the profound power to make you look deep inside yourself and see who you really are when the going gets tough and come out the other side victorious because you did it.  I know I have to work hard, very hard to get what I want and where I want to be.  Life is not always easy. Running though helps make it a lot more tolerable when things just aren't flowing the way you think they should.  One step in front of the other, one day after another and we all get to the point when we look in the mirror and we love who we see completely.  Running heals and although I had a wound on my pride from the DNF recognizing what hard work it took to get to the starting line heals it.  Keep running my friends and finding peace in this life.

So why is he protecting Laura and her son?  I don't know.  On the trail I am scoping for training this weekend I hope to find out.....

 

Getting back out on the trail......